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Week 22-23…again?!

It is “again”, because I keep thinking I’m done and publish something but for some reason it keeps not getting through. Like the lessons, I get a ways on the path and something hits me…tests me….and I stumble a bit. I tore my ACL the other day, a ligament in my knee. I’m a movement professional so it has me in a tizzy.

That’s just the external. The internal is finding the calm in that. Using the energy of my emotions towards positive results. Now that I see it. You can’t change what you don’t see!

I have also been approached by a truly dear friend who told me I havent been listening. That seems to be my message. “Listen”

I need to listen. Listen in on every level. I’ve been trying to heal myself and everyone says I need to take care of myself so I spent more time on me, and either it is that people want the Old me that rivets focus on them or I am being self-absorbed. I can’t tell. I’ve been letting my old stories and many patterns go but there’s still a lot of scrubbing to do, not to mention my technical difficulties.

Technically speaking, I think I’ve discovered why it happens, seriously thought I’d published and it went through, and it has happened 2 times now.  This post is almost just a test. I’m ready to rewrite, as necessary.

Now to try to find what happens on the emotional front as to my capacity to step out into life FULLY!

The work of using the energy of my sad (defeated) feelings and turn them around! Thank god for these mirrors that I am off-course (somehow hurt the feelings of someone I love)…

In the Program, MKMM, It has been so strange, uncanny,  to feel so predictable that at every stage.  Mark & Davine, using the scrolls, seem to devine exactly what’s going on. Every week seems to speak to what I am experiencing spiritually and emotionally. I think I am also having separation anxiety and it’s translating in me missing detail.

That’s all nuts and bolts. I should  have seen my missing posts.

So many inspirational stories…I need to rummage around more,  it really helps

Thank you for listening. If anyone is, I am grateful 💜💕

Week 21…Courage

How funny is that! Courage. A lot of people have said I am ridiculously courageous. I don’t feel that way, it is just the course of LIFE for me. I do what you HAVE to do, the only way I see is forward…even when my heart got stuck behind me I still kept moving forward, even when it was wading through sludge so high I needed a log tube to breathe from. Glug. At the same time… I have let Fear loom high and large. It has driven SO much of my life, including into those places people see as “Courageous”. I realize that’s kind of the point. Courage in the FACE of Fear, but it just seems like it is the ONLY way.

Fear, Anger, Guilt, Hurt, feelings, Unworthiness

It’s BEAUTIFUL! I really understand the powers of substitution and generally have applied all 7 laws of thinking but this last webinar has given me the TRUTH! The TRUTH that was nagging at the back of my mind. The TRUTH that kept me saying….WHY was I so REACTIVE?!?!?!   OMG!

Because I cared so much.

I couldn’t understand for the LIFE of me, why the hell, why the FUCK…PLEASE, please forgive my language, but it was leaving my stupefied. Utterly stupefied why I kept behaving the way I had. Gaslighting had a lot to do with it. Triggers that came from devastating traumas. Traumas that people I have sparingly shared with are shocked I survived.

I kept beating myself up for it. This confusion. wow. Thank you Mark and Devine. You keep bringing together, after letting us suffer a while in our old patterns, struggling with, these seemingly innocent exercises, to meet ourselves FULL ON! At least, that has been MY experience.

I know it is not the MKMM program alone, but it has been a massive CATALYST for my drawing lots more information, practices, meditations, and breath-work to stimulate my HEALING! A CATALYST for me to aWAKEN myself.

BLESS YOU!!! and BLESS you, my FAMILY of fellow Masterminds!

I am starting to FEEL breakthroughs all OVER the place!

And…STILL there’s so much MORE!

Getting back to the darned FEAR… see, I can say it a bit more PC….again, sorry if I offended anyone, but I have been so deep, so low, I felt of the edge 3 times in the last 2 years, lost, confused. I didn’t know if I could make it back again. But now I know I have a strong spirit and even though my flame was soggy and the fuel nearly spent, it still burned. It burned till I was able to open up space to drain the swamp of my feelings. Open up space to air it out. It feels nearly dry now. The flame is stronger. Now I’m foraging for fuel.

NOW I SEE…I can USE my FEAR…I see even though I felt fragile that I used the fear to start a small drip, cracked a leak on the swamp and it’s been leaking the vile liquor away to be washed in the Ocean of my Conscious mind because my SUBconscious mind is CLEARING. I am attaching happier stronger more positive meaning to thoughts that arise. I am deTACHing from old worn painful feelings, substituting and letting them go.

It’s been so incredibly inspiring to read other people’s struggles. To know that we are ALL struggling and learning to put the struggle ASIDE! Isn’t that an incredible FEELING!?!?!

I have so much work to do. I have HAD so much work to do, but it was left undone, laying to waste as I struggled to breathe again. To ALLOW myself to breathe. I’ve pulled myself out of a huge Quagmire and feeling my lungs, my limbs my LIFE of POSSIBILITIES again.

NOW I SEE that I can USE my fear. All the Five. Each of them carries so much energy. That was the crazy thing. I SAW myself wasting SO much ENERGY. It pained me MORE. But that was just beating me up. Froze me. Buried me. Deeper.

The layers have lifted.

I feel blessed. I know I am. I am GRATEFUL.

I gave $25 to a little woman in Trader Joe’s yesterday. First it was $5 and a bag of dried cherries I saw her stare longingly at. She was so overcome she revealed she comes all the way from Queens to save some money and the $1.25 for a bag of cranberries was almost too much for her budget but it was a treat for her. All by herself on the subway. As turned away, I looked in my wallet and found I had a twenty left. I gave it to her with a hug and a kiss and made her promise to treat herself as much as get what she needs, then went to check out. After I left the store, I wrote my name and number on a card and came in to give it to her. She actually said she saw me in line and was going to go buy ME FLOWERS!!! OMG!!! I kissed her and said her taking care of herself was “flowers” enough She promised she would keep in touch. I hope she does. I feel like I have a gramma again.

I have come from feeling like I didn’t know where I would get my rent food or LIFE, to now. Maybe not a lot more yet, but enough to share with this beautiful little woman, who’s just trying SO hard to just feel human.

I

am

here.

Now.

Yes.

 

 

 

Week 20 – Masterful Makeover!

This week my focus behavior is Persistence!

I feel like I am natural with this one but because I still haven’t found my definitive purpose I have been less persistent than I’ve been in my life past, and NOW I am moving into it with a greater success rate just because I am happier. I find myself following leads faster and even those little flares of fear extinguished faster and I know they will cease altogether  once I have a fully clear plan… I am unstoppable!

I am taking the Power Stances too! Wonder Woman! It helps a lot!

Week 19! Well-Organized…hah!

Transformation…I feel it seeping into my very bones! Slowly, bit-by-bit I feel life infusing in. This process, this BEAUTIFUL process I have undertaken! I am this beautiful creature, and I had been asleep! That’s really the only way I can describe it. Asleep.

I was a  catarpillar. Crawling along, slowly slowly climbing obstacles, and all of them were of my own creation, whether I was aware of it or not. The ones I was aware of had me tipping my head with wonder at how I called them into being and THEN marveling at my reactivity to them. Those were the things I could see – with no other lens. All the obstacles I was unaware of. How was I to conquer THOSE?!

As my power of dispassionate self-observance grows, the hidden obstacles are slowly coming into view. Mirrors from many directions confirm my nagging suspicions. They are often the harder ones to see, where I am not acting as graciously as I thought.

Each month, each week, each day, each and EVERY moment, all my processes are becoming more clear to me. How they build one upon the next. I have learned I can be in a life-long creation process but it isn’t a head scratcher anymore. A process that can be, IS, positive, and expansive, and maybe more imporyantly, visible to me.

Back to “well-organized”. I had come to feel incredibly dis-organized. A bit of a hot mess in fact. But I would have to say that generally, I have an organized nature. I LOVE organization. I love taking a process and creating greater efficiency. It makes room for new things and experiences to take place! I keep finding new ways to organize to stoke those analytical behaviors and create a sense of self-satisfaction. Law of Substitution, in a conscious way.

As the fog clears, the greater structure of organization is emerging along with a more elevated sense of calm.

Week 18…Self-Control

I neglected to mention my make-over focus of the week was Self-Control

I am learning to ignore the moments where I feel I am not serving my focus and FOCUSing. Honing in. Everyday, I am discovering, seeing the reflections in my life where I AM Expressing Self-Control. Wow. SO Powerful, my mind, my capacity to focus!  I can CHOOSE to focus on the Present, and THAT is the most powerful expression of Self-Control I can see. The ability to use my own mind for my own GOOD rather than my own self-destruction.

Brilliant!

I am UNIQUE! I am BRILLIANT! I am Grateful! I have UNLIMITED Potential, and…

I LIVE this day, as if it were my last. I will do that by expressing out into the world in all the ways I can see I have been working. Many threads of many colors and entwined textures. My Tapestry is starting to really take shape with so many beautiful stories and I am really proud of that.

Thank you for all of you who choose to read! Thank you to all of you who reach out and share with me you own stories and allow me to see you!

I believe! I can DO this! WE can do this!!!

Week 18 This makeover continues

It’s funny, week by week, I have encountered resistances, and some weeks they loom large and interfere with everything. Then the interference recedes. I can see, that slowly the reconditioning (or conditioning, depending upon how you look at it) is taking place. I also recognize – which is half the battle, the recognition, re-cognition, which feels like the conscious part of the transformational process – that if I had been able to apply myself more consistently all along these many weeks, I would be enjoying a higher sense of accomplishment right now. But that’s ok.

It’s ok, because through this process I am gaining more momentum. Momentum to trust myself. Trust that I have got my OWN back! And, as it turns out, I am calling into my life other people who, collectively, have my back too. I am finding my Tribe, my Community, My Family.  It’s taken me a good long while to heal. The more superficial lacerations gave way to deeper wounds that are really starting to fade. I feel my mental and emotional body stabilize. This program has been nothing short of miraculous for me.

Despite my slow movement, I have remained committed. To my self. Yes, I have wavered. Yes, I could have done better. But as Scroll V suggests, I must not relive the errors of the past, even if the errors were only a moment ago. I need to RECOGNIZE them, so I can use the information they contain, and be Present.

In this Present, the re-cognition is that I felt hurt. I felt wounded. I needed time to heal. And in this time of healing, the gift of awareness was given and a METHOD for me to tie the awarenesses together was given.

Every day, I feel grateful to the woman who shared this with me Kal Atwal. She is a BRILLIANT woman, and a force of nature! Any of you out there that have to good fortune to connect with her know what I mean!  And because of her sharing I have opened myself up to the gifts of Mark Cameron, my Brilliant Mastermind partner, and Luc Griffith, my Guide. I feel truly grateful for their presence in my life. They have been an impeccable mirror for me to see and connect with myself and in so doing, allowed me to see THEM.  I look forward EVERY week to connecting with them and the rest of my group!!! At first, I felt really reluctant, because I felt so imperfect. I felt lesser. But tThey have shared their own vulnerabilities and I saw the unessesary expediture of energy I was creating. Together I feel we have grown.

The cool thing is that I have also brought my sister in. It’s given us another platform to grow with each other. Share our processes and our lives. For that I am grateful as well.

For a while I was afraid of the growth. No, really terrified. I have been so afraid to step back into the world at large for fear of more unbearable pain.  And THANK THE UNIVERSE for Mark and Davine for tying together all the elements in such a varied way, to annoy, tease, and provoke all these resistances we have, so we can learn to rout them out! I watch and re-watch videos of their talks presentations over and over again. Every time I see a nugget I missed!

I have been fascinated to really become an observer in my life. I have sought this, I can see, for a very long time. That I have “watched myself spin and weave stories of discomfort, lack of control (and clinging tightly to control), without really understanding how to take charge of it. These tools of awareness are EVERYthing!!!

This last week was especially a challenge because there was a Polar Vortex that blasted through, and I got terribly sick, then my internet modem failed. Thank GOD for my phone…till I had a problem with THAT!!! How about THAT for universal energy responding to my temporary slip back into my old Blueprint! It just makes me shake my head and laugh at myself, now that I grabbed my mind and started detaching the feelings that were arising.

I will live THIS day, as if it were my last!

I knew this intuitively since as far back as I could remember, but now the message is arriving.  I LOVE myself! I am MEETING the girl in the mirror for REAL. And I really like her. Partly because she is not “perfect”.  And…she IS Perfect! She is, I AM, Unique!!!

I have worked my whole life to teach OTHERS this knowledge, and it’s all been to teach myself.

Every day, I feel like I go through a rebirth. I have always Identified with the conceptualization of a Phoenix! The fire really needed to be a hot one for me to burn away all the accumulated grime of my mind! Nothing short of an inferno!!!

The Phoenix is rising out of the ashes, looking around and surveying. Slowly I fan the flames of my desires, they were so hidden. They are lifting out of the wreckage of my old mind. The ashes and clutter slipping away.

 

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Thank you , thank you Universe, for the gift of my Life!

Blessings to all who share this journey with me!!!

I am looking forward. Pulling in the elements, weaving the Tapestry tighter.

The Makeover continues…

Week 17 HJ supplemental

…Incomplete thought at the beginning! While I may have had a focus months ago on those bigger challenges, now I am stepping back, able to see the progress I am making. I am not just sitting back immobilized but in a fashion to evaluate, strategize, step. Taking the small steps will lead to those bigger Dominos falling. These are the things that will create my un STOPPABLE mental then physical momentum!

SOOOO EXCITED!!!!

I